Girlfriends and Relationships

A visitor wrote…

Hello! It's been quite some time since I last sent you a question. Ive kept on reading your answers for other questions since I sent mine. And I think its the right time to send another question that I ache to know. This is more of a doubt about what should I do and if there is something in the bible that could perhaps guide my way in here.

Here is the problem. I broke up with my ex girlfriend after being in a relationship with her for over a year. Over that time, and confesing it feels really bad, we fornicated once or twice a month. Since I started doing that i felt really bad, and I felt guilty for doing so, but I just couldn't control myself wheen in that situations. With time, and with all the accumulated guilt i stopped communig with god, I stopped praying in the nights before i went to sleep. Now, although I know this is bad, this is not my main doubt here.

The thing is that, for my whole life i've been asking the lord for a girl to be my side who's got a certain list of qualities. Amngst the things I looked for was for her to be humble, for her not to drink or smoke, for her to be a home person (that is that she'd much rather stay home and watch a movie or play some boardgames than go to a club or to a party), for her to be a good cook, and for her to be smart, and recently I prayed the lord for her to be a christian, not a chatolic, but a cristian who should fear and respect the lord. Now, my ex-girlfriend had some of those things, but she lacked some others, specially, she likes to go clubbing and she's not christian.

Now, after all this things happened, and talking to the leader of my church, i eralized how wrong was I, so I decided to end the relationship with her. I was really afraid of doing so, because she was all to which I was used to, and leaving her really frightened me But i kept on asking the lord for a clue as to what to do since i was utterly confused.

Then in the middle of that struggle with myself I got to know a girl... James... I really think this girl is the person i've been asking the lord for MY WHOLE LIFE. She's got absolutely every single trait i've always asked the lord to give me, and she's a christian just like me, she's genuinely humble. and she's been a crhsitian her whole life. I got to know her parents, they are an amazing couple. James this girl is just amazing!

Anyway, moving on... a couple weeks after i met her i got into a trouble with my girlfriend because she spied on me and got to know about this other girl so she broke with me, which made things easier for me... now then... fastforward a couple months.. she's not my girlfriend yet, she's still my ex, but we talk a lot to each other... and she added this other girl... (lets call Alpha my ex and BETA the oother girl so its easier) so alpha added beta and, since beta is such a nice and humble person she acceptd her.

Now, I really want to get to something with beta, but she's told me that she can't even risk it because alpha is her friend... and... truth is they barely know each other, and alpha just added beta to keep an eye on her.

NOw here is my doubt... am I wrong? Is she not the girl I've been asking the lord for? How can I know if she is the one for me or not? HOw can I takl with her to make her understand that I LOVE HER? Does god want us to be together? Is there anything on the bible that resembles this scenario? something about not being able to be with the person whom you want to be because of mischiveous others?

and on a side note, if I fornicate, and I kept on doing so, am I being an hy´pocrite to god? can I talk to him even if I kept on doing those things?

Now If I am understanding the situation correctly, you have ended the relationship with your old girlfriend (Alpha) and met a new girl (Beta), but when your old girlfriend (Alpha) found out about the new girl (Beta), she (Alpha) became friends with the new girl (Beta), and now the new girl (Beta) is uncomfortable with becoming your new girlfriend because she (Beta) doesn’t want to hurt your old girlfriend (Alpha).


Your first question (paraphrased): “What should I do about the situation with my ex girlfriend and this new girl?”

This is not easy to address because unfortunately I only have your perspective to consider, so I do not have a complete picture of the situation. Someone might easily read from what you wrote that your old girlfriend is being very manipulative in this situation, but I would be judging her if I made that assumption without knowing anything about her, and that would be wrong. Your best place for seeking advice about this is to talk some more with the church leader you mentioned, who can work with you directly. It is impossible for me to give council at the detail that seems to be needed here in the format of this blog.

Since your old girlfriend is not a Christian she cannot be expected to behave like one. If her intent actually is to interfere with you having a relationship with the new girl as you seem to be implying, there is very little you can do about it except to pray and ask God to expose the truth. If the new girl is as close to God as she should be from being a Christian her whole life, she will quickly see through any manipulation and do what is right.

As for what you need to do… Do not talk bad about the old girlfriend to the new girl. Do not lie to the old girlfriend about the new girl. Treat both girls with respect and honor, even if you don’t feel like they deserve it. Conduct yourself as the Christian that you are (and trust me, you are a Christian).


Your second question: “How do I know whether this new girl is the right girl for me to pursue?”

If this new girl is the one God has chosen for you, trust God to open the door, and do not be anxious about creating a certain kind of relationship just because you desire it. The key to having a good relationship with anyone is to die to yourself. Your first priority for any relationship should be to give of yourself to the other person, not to receive anything from them for yourself.

Too many young people try to rush into a relationship instead of letting God work things out, and as a result they make the same mistake that Abraham did when God promised him a son (Isaac) (Genesis 15:2-6). Abraham’s attempts to hurry God along resulted in Ishmael (Genesis 16:1-4). Now God did not reject Ishmael, but it was Isaac whom God made His covenant with (Genesis 17:17-21).

It may surprise you to learn that I myself am not yet married, nor do I have a girlfriend. I have seen many friends and family get married, and more than a few get divorced over the years. Like you I have been seeking the Lord to send me the right girl, for many years. He hasn’t shown her to me yet, but I know that He will at the right time. Do not be anxious. Trust God.


Your third question: “What about my sin of having sex with my old girlfriend outside of marriage after becoming a Christian?”

You need to understand that your sin isn’t hurting God, it is only hurting you. God doesn’t see you in the light of the sins you commit, He sees you in the light of Christ, as perfect and blameless. Your sins can never tarnish or break through the shield that Christ’s blood provides. You are a Christian. You are one of God’s most prized possessions. He wants you to keep talking to Him, no matter how bad you messed up.

Now buck up and start doing what you know you are supposed to be doing. Continuing sex before it is made right through marriage will only ruin the experience that God intends for you to have when the time is right.

You CAN do it brother! Return to praying every night like you used to. Ask God to take away your guilt, and stop adding more to it yourself. Spend time with your church, and fellowship with good Christian couples who have been married long enough to have experience you can learn from.


God bless you.

James :)