Discipline

Today I am compelled to address a new topic. I am saddened by the two extremes that too many seem to have gone to in our raising and training of children:

1. On the one side there is the liberal mindset, who sees spanking as a form of hitting and violence, and so concludes that using this ‘violence’ on children exemplifies and teaches children to be violent.
2. On the other side there is the stern mindset, who feels that the stronger and more extensive a spanking is the more effective it will be, and so concludes that if a spanking doesn’t resolve the child’s error the first time, they just need to hit progressively harder and longer until the child figures it out.

Both extremes are completely wrong…

The first extreme rejects the wisdom of Solomon:

Proverbs 22:15 - Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far away. (NIV)

Proverbs 19:19 - A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty; rescue them, and you will have to do it again. (NIV)

Proverbs 10:13 - Wisdom is found on the lips of the discerning, but a rod is for the back of one who has no sense. (NIV)

Proverbs 13:24 - Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them. (NIV)

Proverbs 23:13-14 - Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish them with the rod, they will not die. Punish them with the rod and save them from death. (NIV)

The second extreme rejects the wisdom of Paul:

Ephesians 6:4 - Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (NIV)

Colossians 3:21 - Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. (NIV)

The proper perspective…

Now let me make one thing very clear. There is a distinct and obvious difference between spanking and beating, and any parent who does not understand the difference has no business doing either to their children.

Beating is abuse, and should never be done. Spanking is not about hurting the child. Spanking is intended for two and only two purposes:

1. To substitute a lesser pain for a greater pain. For example when a young child tries to dart into the street, if you swat them on the bottom reinforced with the word “Danger!”, you have substituted the lesser pain of being spanked for the greater pain of being struck by a car.
2. To provide concluding consequences for a trespass so that it is resolved. For example when a child takes an action they were instructed not to, the spanking provides conclusion for their error, so that it is no longer held over their head and they are once again at peace with the parents.

Too many parents think that spanking is about inflicting pain, that somehow it is the pain involved that teaches the child. This is why parents sometimes go too far in their spanking resulting in abuse. This concept is completely wrong.

Pain does not communicate any helpful information for a child to learn something. You don’t dump a pile of unfolded laundry in front of a child who has never done laundry before, and then spank them if they don’t understand how to fold it right. You must instruct them in how to do it, with example, patients, and explaining why things are folded a certain way. For most teaching there isn’t any need for spanking, but teaching does require the parents to spend quality time with their children.

Too many other parents are afraid of hurting their children or being seen as abusive by others, so they avoid spanking either by making threats that aren’t carried out, or by completely disregarding their children’s misbehavior without any adequate correction. This is also wrong.

Children do not obey their parents because of punishment, they obey because they respect their parents (Ephesians 6:1-3). A child will never learn respect if consequences are not delivered.


What discipline is all about…

Now don’t misunderstand what I am trying to say. Sometimes there are alternatives to spanking that can be just as effective for different circumstances. And sometimes a child just needs to be forgiven. The most important part of discipline is not the method of punishment, it is the relationship between the parents and children.

Have you ever considered that the word we get “discipline” from, is “Disciple”? Our example of how we are to discipline our children comes from Jesus Himself. Jesus did not whip His disciples into understanding and obedience, He taught them. The only time we see Jesus using a whip, is when He drove the moneychangers out of the temple (John 2:13-17), and that was not against any of His disciples.

Jesus said “I am the Good Shepherd” (John 12:11). A shepherd carries two instruments for managing the sheep, the staff and the rod (Psalm 23:4). The staff is used to guide and direct the sheep by pulling them into place or out of danger with the hook, and by nudging them along the correct path, but it is never used to hurt them. The rod is not ever used against the sheep, it is used when wild animals attack in order to defend and protect the sheep. “We all, like sheep, have gone astray” (Isaiah 53:6).

Discipline isn’t about punishment, it is about teaching. Sometimes we have to use punishment like spanking as part of discipline, but it is the teaching part that makes it work, not the punishment by itself.

Proverbs 19:18 - Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death. (NIV)

Hebrews 12:11 - No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. (NIV)

James :)